12

A Few 2017 Epic Fails In The Kitchen

I had a lot of fun putting together last year’s post on my epic kitchen fails in 2016. I anticipated another would be forthcoming for 2017 and I have a few to share. I didn’t really cook anything new this year as it was a very full on, busy year so I stuck with what I knew would work.

There was time for experimenting though.

Like the time I decided to use up the remaining leek and zucchini to make a leek, potato, zucchini pizza. I made a tasty leek base full of flavour. What’s missing from this picture?

It was only when I took a bite of the most disgusting bland pizza ever that I realised the leek mix was still in the frying pan. Add to that uncooked potato and the worst pizza dough base. One of the grossest things I made all year.

Closely matched by this… cake? I can’t even remember what I was going for here but I know I wasted a heap of almond meal. I ate the crusty properly cooked bits, because I refused to be defeated:

Here are my every-vegetable-in-the-fridge-plus-lentils sausage rolls. A mooshy filling which oozed out everywhere and tasted totally gross. Oh and I had flipped them too as the tops weren’t cooked but the bottoms were too dark:

Here’s a challenge for you. Go to YouTube and look up videos of how to make lasagna rings. Note how easy it looks. Then go make one yourself, with no help,and take a better photo:

 

As it’s New Years Eve here, I wish you all a fab end to 2017 and an even better beginning to 2018!

28

A Very Veganopoulous Year In The Kitchen

I like to think my food photography and cooking skills have improved this past year. Being a non-profit hobby blog, I don’t set the shots up to make everything magazine quality, with diffusers and reflectors and such. My reflectors are often tissue boxes. Instead, my process goes like this: 1) find the cleanest spot with natural light. 2) Get rid of the cat hair. 3) Get the cats out of the room. 4) Work out the best way to carry a heap of stuff to the natural light spot without tripping over the cats. 5) Try and barricade the door because the cats have worked out how to bust through it at a fast run. 6) Try and keep the cats away from the food. 7) Hurry up and take the damn photos cos the family is waiting to eat.

I don’t always succeed at keeping the cats away.

cat photo bomb

And then there are those times when no styling or faffing around is necessary. You just grab the camera and take a food photo with flash.

Onwards!

THE TOFU CHEVRE ‘LOG’

Ah, logs. I followed the directions for this tofu chevre log. It was a nice log shape until about ten seconds after it entered the oven. And then when I took it out my son came in and said EWWW WOT IS THAT and I’m like eh, a tofu LOG. And he was like DIDN’T I TELL YOU LOG IS ANOTHER WORD FOR POO.tofuchevrelog

 

THE ‘HEALTHY’ JUICE PULP CAKE

When I make juices, I like to re-use the pulp wherever I can. This was my first experiment with juice pulp cake. I used pulp from apple, pears, carrots and beetroot here. I also completely screwed up and doubled the liquid ingredients by mistake.

I even made a little bridge from an icy pole stick. I wanted the bridge to span the Hollow Sea, the Abyss of Broken Dreams.sloppycake1

A cross section of this geological marvel.sloppycake2

 

SESAME ‘CRUSTED’ TOFU

Don’t you just love foods with a crumb? Or a crust? I love sesame crusted tofu. Everything is made better with a crumb of some kind. Right?!

I think that only applies when your crumbs are on the actual food.sesametofu

 

THE PLUM CUSTARD CAKE

So one time I had this smart idea for using up a heap of plums. Why not use the semolina custard from my vegan galaktoboureko recipe in a pie! And make a healthy oil/fat free crust? The end result was plums on the bottom, goopy custard and a dry shitty crust. plumcustardtart

 

PINEAPPLE INSIDE OUT DOWN CAKE

Because we all need a poorly risen pineapple upside down cake that sticks to the tin right when you’re about to serve it to visitors. That’s when you improvise and call it pineapple pudding, but you don’t really fool anyone. Completely salvageable with ice cream, so all is not lost.

pineappleupsidedowndisaster

 

BERRY BROKEN HEART CAKES

Baked moosh was a recurring theme this year. I followed a recipe for these berry heart shaped cakes. They didn’t rise and after half an hour they were just hot dough destined for the bin. What a waste of berries. Fortunately they were frozen berries, not the fresh berries that cost a million bucks a punnet.mooshyhearts

 

GEOLOGIST’S DREAM ‘HEALTHY’ BANANA CAKE

You know those times when you secretly dream of being a geologist? And your secret dreaming comes out in your banana cake that you’ve tried to healthify? Look at the tell tale bottom layer of compacted moosh that somehow extends halfway up the cake. I can’t remember what the hell I did here. But that’s okay, because I don’t want to.

mooshbananamaltcake

 

THE PUMPKIN PIE FRENCH TOAST THAT COULDN’T

Look at me! I’m oil free! No vegan butters either for frying but I REALLY want to try that pumpkin French toast recipe. I know! Let’s be all healthy and smug and use the PANINI PRESS!

frenchtoastdisaster

 

TRUFFLES A LA POOP

What do you make your sibling when it’s their birthday? How about the chocolate truffle balls you both enjoyed as a kid? A packet of plain biscuits, dessicated coconut, cocoa powder and coconut condensed milk. Sounds good! Eeeexcept in this case you start mixing the stuff before realising you’re way waaay low on the coconut. So you try to be clever and add some coconut flakes before realising that’s a most rubbish move because the chewiness is awful. And the truffles lose their shape fast and flop when you take them out of the fridge.truffles

 

THE PAPADUM CREPE

You know those times where you’re like, I really want a crepe with the crunchiness of a papadum! I’ll go and watch Prancercise videos on YouTube and forget all about my crepe in the pan! Works every time.

crackercrepe

 

HEALTH HAZARD COCONUT FLOUR PANCAKES

Ah, coconut flour. I hate coconut flour. It’s one of those things that always makes my food turn out rubbish. Even though I love coconut. Here I am trying to create a gluten free coconut pancake recipe. These pancakes just fell everywhere and were burnt on the outside, mooshy wet on the inside. And I couldn’t swallow them so I had a coughing fit.

coconutflourpancakes

 

SPACE ALIEN MUFFIN

Could this be intelligent life that formed after the Big Bang (which was me dropping the tray of muffins when I took them out of the oven, scattering baked treats and lounging cats everywhere)? The intelligent life that spent its first two weeks wedged between the side of the oven wall and the bottom rack and treated us all to a game of What’s That Smell? every time we used the oven? It was only when I decided to actually bend my butt down Attenborough style and check what the hell was going on inside the oven that I made this discovery.

 

Let’s wrap this up with dessert. Because everyone loves baked apple guts.

explodeyapples

May you all have a wonderful end to 2016 and an even better start to 2017!  I’m sure I’ll see you back here same time next year with round 2 of my kitchen failures…